Gosh....

its been so long since I"ve written. I really don't want to abandon this blog. I started to just keep track of some things but google calendar works good for that.

In brief, my daughters father visits regularly and calls. Currently, I have no concerns other than receiving child support and help with medical bills.

My son's father is in prison and will be there probably another 14-18 months. I'm really not sure when he will get out.

And this was a great article posted about the system I survived - http://www.mercurynews.com/dependency

iaddicted

Merry Christmas from my iphone. I love this thing. I have some things to learn and I have discovered a few things that could be better but so far I am happy.

All is well for the most part. There are still things that I wish were different,people I miss and things I hope to change. Kids are wonderful and they are fortunate and I love them dearly. Sometimes I just miss them and I don't always realize how fast time really can fly by. Life continues to be good.

DD's Feelings regarding Visitation with her Dad

He sees her on average 5x a year and calls about once a month if that. He's gone up to 6 months with little to no contact. All his inquiries to visitation start on Halloween and end just after his birthday in march. He wants to be apart of the holidays, her birthday, then his.

Nothing between then.

My daughter, only sometimes, showed hurt and angry feelings about him not "loving" her the way a dad should. <--her words - heartbreaking.

Last year I filed for sole custody for legal reasons and no visitation (he was in jail for relapsing on meth after 7 years clean and sober. This years custody suit has been a mixed blessing.

For one, he now sees her every other weekend for 12 hours on a saturday. But he's so unstable that he moves alot and he doesn't have appropriate sleeping and personal space for our daughter. My court order gives her the veto power over sleeping over and well, I exercise my own veto power because he's' moved 2x in 3 months.

Well, I had to talk to him lastnight because she dreads going. I have had to explain to her how i"m in such a difficult situation. Here I went to court, argued in mediation how he just needs to be consistent and now he is, and she can't stand it because she's "bored" because he "never has money" to take her anywhere. I feel I can't punish him for being involved and broke. I've been very broke so I know how that is.....I also don't think he should have to entertain her 24x7 and they do get out and do things.

The bottom line is she's basically feelling "homesick" when she goes so I had a long and nice conversation with him lastnight about things and told him how she's feeling and he didn't get defensive or angry. It was really nice to share her feelings. I encouraged her to talk to her but moreover, see her more often but for less time. Come every few days an hour, two or three at a time. Pick her up on Saturday for a half day and if she wants to stay later, let her.

So that's my rock and my hard place and it is very much exactly like what you deal with right down to calling late regarding cmas and having ZERO plans on christmas eve.

We settled and he's a liar

DD's dad and I settled in mediation - he gets every other weekend, 9am to 9pm w/ one overnight either Friday/Saturday. That's it. He could have more but never calls.

The catch is DD gets the final say so if she doesnt' want to go, I don't have to force her to go. Its perfect.

And in court - he lied about his RENT. He lives w/ the girlfriend that has BMR housing. I haven't had nice conversations with him since. i'm not MEAN but I'm not overly sweet and joyous to him. Its strictly business at this point.

Everyone tells me to turn him in on the BMR because technically, with him living with her they wouldn't qualify. I'm considering it but its not normally like me to do things like that. I want to do it for the right reasons, not for the mean vindictive ones!

DD is happy w/ the arrangements. Things for the most part are fine.

OH, and he got a reduction in child support. He owes me $15.8k in arrears and $1900 in medical bills. He's not pulling his weight. Never has...never will

Updates on Both Dads

DS' Dad - going to prison for 32 months. I sent him a power of attorney form to sign so I can try to get money out of his taxes. Not much else to report.

DD's Dad - She's been seeing him every other weekend. He has this "thing" about calling at my mom's house because for some reason, he hates her. So be it. He's been making his visits. He's suppose to call 48 hours in advance and last week he didn't do that. He did however call the day before so I allowed the visit. I don't share with him any of this because I don't want to bait him to do the right things. Yesterday, she came home with new shoes...the first article of clothing purchased in 3 years. Sad but True. We go back to mediation in Sept, court in Oct and he will probably get overnights. Before he does however, I want a lease agreement because I think its crap that he lives there, she gets a low income housing benefit, and he's still not paying me full support. He's still not working, just got a car and hasn't paid me one dime towards arrears or one dime to the $2k I owe in uninsured medical bills. HE's disneyland dad - takes her to fun places and claims his girlfriend pays - YEAHRIGHT.

I'm still bitter but I'm okay. I just stay distant, keep my online calender and don't show my feelings to him....

A lot to update but not now

I have some updates, can't believe I haven't posted in over a month!

I'll do the update this weekend

Mediation Update

He arrived 10 minutes late and I was 20 minutes early. Typical.

We went into the office of the supervisor and there was another Mediator in training. Both were nice ladies. I went first - asking about the history as I saw it. I just told them that "he never exercises the freely given visitation and he sees our daughter less than 5 overnights a year. Its my experience that he only shows interest in our daughter when he's in a relationship. The relationship he is in has a on again/off again history and I don't believe it is stable. I have had to lie to my daughter to cover questions like "how come my dad never wants to see me" telling her he is at work. I no longer do this because she's old enough to know the gentle truth and I don't want to lie to her anymore."

Then it was his turn - he believes that the reason he doesn't see his daughter is because my mom travels with her alot. He says "she's even gone this week!" Which is true. He didn't have much more to say than that - basically, its my fault he doesn't see her more. He said he calls and she's always busy.

I then spoke again that "my mom does see my daughter alot - it is a bonded relationship and my mother has cared for my daughter in the summer for 5 years. She takes her on vacation, things I cannot afford to do. They go on camping trips, hawaii and these vacations are planned well in advance and I've always been open to ensuring he gets his visitation - the problem is he never calls!"

Then came the question - "what do you want" and she started with him. He asked for 2 days a week and a month in the summer. I had to restrain myself from chocking and laughing and then she turned to me and said "can you agree to that" and I flat-out said "No! He already has liberal visitation and could have exercised every other weekend but he never does. I don't feel that his relationship is stable and I have concerns that if they were to fight, he'd have to move" ......then I turned to him and asked him "Are you even on the lease?" To which he said he is not! Then I went on about the sleeping arrangements, wanted to ensure she had a proper place but moreover, before I farm her out to him again, I want to be sure he will be consistent because he never has been.

All totally reasonable.

It basically went okay - I told her that I will not agree to overnight visits. I would agree to every other weekend - one day from 9am to 9pm and 1 day a week for a dinner date - 6pm to 9pm and if he can maintain consistency for a period of time, I would then be willing to have her stay overnight.

Most of his visitation is around his girlfriend and the mediator clearly saw that. I told her that I don't care if the girlfriend is there or not - regardless, he needs to be consistent and not around his girlfriends schedule. He doesn't have a car and I told him that we have a bus stop that stops right outside my apartment complex and he could do that - I'd even be willing to pick her up if its dark so she doesnt' have to ride on a bus. He needs to "go to any lengths" and be consistent.

We discussed visitation this weekend and my daughter gets back on Saturday and Sunday was an option. I told him he could have her sunday but she has a birthday party she wants to go to and the mediator turned and said "You can have her, but these are important events the children should be allowed to attend" He said he'd try to figure it out - then she asked who would buy the gift. I had to hold back laughter and I said "I dont' expect him to buy gifts - he isn't even paying the full amount of child support so I will buy the gift!"

Because I didn't have the summer schedule, we were called back to mediation on Monday to iron out the remainder of the schedule. She also put in a clause that if he doesn't confirm the visit for saturday by 8pm on Thursday, it cancels so this is hopefully a provision we can put on the order. Its really what I need....

anyways, that's the update!