My Story

It's been 7 months since my children went into the system. It was the worst day of my life. But at the same time, it was a blessing. I had been trying to get clean and sober. I am an addict and I had been using Nitrous Oxide. I was depressed and unable to care for myself, let alone my children. I was in the process of cleaning my home which involved a complete rearranging job and clinging desperately to the little to no hope that I had. I had lost my job the month before. I had been attending outpatient for drugs when I had to stop going because I was laid off and because my insurance terminated. I have alot of "baggage" and very large stress related emotional issues. All of that related to my mental health. But the bottom line is that I did what I said I'd never do and that was put a hand on my child.

I wrote this in 1997 when I was pregnant with my first child:
I believe that a parent that spanks is a parent that has no self
control. - I still believe that today. I fully HAD lost control. I more than spanked her however. I slapped her across the face! Why? I don't really remember only I was upset they spilled paint on my carpet that I had just cleaned the day before.

I felt withdrawn and humiliated when I was spanked, two feelings I never
want my child to feel. - I not only added to those feelings, but I created new ones....BIG ONES! Abandonment and a loss of trust. I can't even begin to fathom the damage this will have on my kids.

I want to know why people feel it's okay to smack little kids when if one adult strikes another that's called battery. - How true is this statement?

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When the police arrived, I knew that I was going to jail. I knew because I did wrong and my house was disheveled. I was trying to clean up but it didn't happen fast enough. Also, they found empty canisters of N20. And now they had a messy house and drug paraphrenalia.

I was arrested on 4 felony counts of Child Abuse and Child Endangerment and a Misdemenor charge of Possession of Drug Paraphrenalia. I was transported to County Jail and my mother was called to get my kids.

When the Investigative SW came to visit me, I admitted everything. I had nothing to hide! I knew I was wrong, I had been trying to get a hold of myself and I was unable to. This nightmare, really, was a blessing.

The kids were placed in the care of my mother. At first I was allowed Two 2-hour visits a week. I then got 3.5 months clean and nothing had increased and I was well into my case plan. I then was looking at unemployment stopping, my mother and I had grown distant and I chose to relapse.

Since July, I have become clean. I will have 4 months tomorrow. I am at the end of my case plan on 2 areas - counseling and outpatient. I have completed my relapse prevention plan. Since October, I have been allowed overnight visits. I'm making more money than I ever have in my entire life.

I am doing good. I wish I started this blog earlier as I would have liked to have had a document of this whole experience. I will however keep up to date on my progress, my case plan, my reunification and any other related topics.

Please post comments. Good or Bad! I know there are people out there that can't fathom ever losing their children....I was one of them. But I'm on my way to getting them back, and for that, I would appreciate your prayers!