A Book was Born 05-24-05

On the evening of May 24th, I began writing a book called Surviving the System, a Mother's Journey!

I am so excited. Already, it is 90 pages in length and I've written through my relapse, or July, 2004. I will release it for publication when I'm discharged from the system. I'm happy to share this with people. Its been a ride, that's for sure!

Court Update

The SW called to tell me that my son's father would get 2 visits every other week for 2 hours.

I guess his reunification services were terminated and if that was the case, why does he get visits? It makes no sense? Terminating his services means he doesn't have to drug test. No parenting, no counseling.

I don't get it.

Talked to SW lastnight

Lastnight my SW called to talk to me as they are all in court today. My appearance has been waived. She sees my point of view on issues I raised regarding my son's father. While I am the "offender", I am also more apt to "rehabilitate!" Thank GOD she recognizes that. Everything is going well. Court is today and I'm dying to hear back from someone regarding what happened. I will update more later. I just wanted to document that the SW and I had a great conversation!

Fluid Intake for 05/23/05

About 16oz of coffee and 16oz of water.

Definately NOT a diluted test!

Frustrated

My ex called and he's out of jail and I just cannot entertain conversations with him. I told the SW and was a bit upset about her recommendation of visits each week. In Feb, we had come to an agreement on a few things if he was loaded and that was that he'd get 1 visit a month.

He's been in jail twice now since this happened and he's not had anything "taken away!" If I were to have been in jail twice, they would have adopted my kids out.

While his is not the "offender" in the case, he is still my son's father and should be held to the same standards that I am. If I lost the kids, he would not be in my son's life. If I keep the kids, I have to deal with him?!?!? Why is that?

I'm told I have to "coparent" with him at some point and I just do not see that happening. The man cannot take care of himself, let alone the responsibility of a child. Even when I was in my deepest darkest days, I still paid my rent!

I am proud of my accomplishments. My income has gone way up, I am able to buy my kids things they "want" and need. We do things. I don't break promises. Things are just GOOD! And I don't to disrupt my son's behavior because his dad's back out of jail. I have told them over and over I would support a relationship between the two once he is on solid ground. The minute the man moves out of the THU, he's loaded. So again, he's at the beginning and at some point, will be out of the THU and then what???? My son will be older and reattached and then where's that leave him?

Fluid Intake for 5/18/05

I have to begin testing. I've given three diluted tests around the time I was dieting in Feb. I stopped keeping track and I will start up!

Red Bull (8am)
16oz Cup of Coffee (9:30am)
Large Lemonaid w/ Ice (noon-2pm)
12oz Orange Juice 4:45pm.

Daily Fluid Intake

7:30am RED BULL

9:00am 12-16 cup of coffee

Noon-2pm Large Lemonade w/ mostly Ice (munched on ice)

Pee’d at 4pm

4:45pm 10oz oj

Recent Update

Well court on the 10th was continued because DD's dad wasn't there - but that's nothing new. His lawyer can't read her notes!

So the next date is the 24th and my appearance will be waived for that as well.

DS' dad called Saturday and he's back in another residental treatment program and I just don't have patience for this man. I have gone to the end of the world to do everything I've been asked to do, completed 99% of my case plan (just testing remains) and I'm not going make his life easy because he couldn't pull it together. As I told him, I support him having visits, as long as he goes thru the proper channels.

I completed Parenting classes and will go tonight to get my certificate! I'm beyond THRILLED!

Uneasy

I was feeling well, rather serene and then my ex called and said the SW was calling him before court only he's such a dipshit he didn't pick up the phone to see what it was about. He was probably sleeping...who knows but why is she calling him ?

I swear? I have invented so much garbage in my brain that I've given myself a panic attack. I just want to know what happened so I can go on with my day!

General Uncomfortable Feeling, Always, Before Court.

I use to say "don't ever put yourself in a position to where other people decide your fate."

I've said that countless times to friends in custody battles. The comment was as a reminder that we have to work to compromises and if not, then judges and mediators may be the ones making those decisions.

I'm on the eve of my 12 month review with the dependency court. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I always do before court. For no other reason that the reminder of what I did to my children and the horror that I allowed to happen in our lives.

I've come along way in a year and I feel so much better. It's the little things that have made the biggest difference. Waking up and not thinking up excuses of how I can get out of work for the day. I will admit, the thought has crossed my mind a few mornings but the difference is not acting on it. Then once at work actually working. Ya know, earning my living and earning a good living - the best ever. It's also making a promise to my kids, and following through. Going to the library but moreover, returning the books before they are due....or just returning them.

I'm far from perfect and I think its the little things that I beat myself up over. I mean, the house isn't "spotless" but its not filty either. While I have food in the fridge and gas in my car and all my bills are virtually paid, I'm cash poor. I have things I want to do, trips out of the area, even one out of state, and I have to ask permission. I've never had to make sure every duck was in a row and that the cobwebs (figuratively speaking) were completely cleaned. But I do now.

I was watching an old rerun of CSI and a statement was made about "I'm not a bad mom, but I'm under this microscope" and the CSI lady commented "Yeah, I know, and no one looks good under that!" That made me feel better, but then it made me ache that I put myself under that microscope.

I still can't believe this happened and in the same breath I'm so glad it did. I hated what I was. I hated being so mentally de-funct that I couldn't enjoy the joy in my life. There's nothing like laughter and smiling. I went through hell to get to this point and for that I'll never ever forget from where I came from....I don't need to go there again to realize that "happy" and "joy" really can happen, even for me.

BUT, I know, always a but, but I just can't help but feel this uncertain feeling I have each time I go to court. And today I have it...and tomorrow, I know it will pass!

Requesting To Travel

I wrote the SW today to ask about Travel and let her know about my two upcoming camping trips. Hopefully it won't be a problem!

Son's Father keeps writing Letters

He keeps writing to us and its starting to be bothersome! I did something that I now regret - showing my son something he sent and I don't know if it's that, or the fact he saw his aunt, but whenever he cries he cries for daddy.

He also asks for him alot.

I get a general uncomfortable feeling.

Court is tomorrow. They will probably terminate his reunification and mine will continue. What I don't think he gets is that if he gets nothing from court, he's getting nothing from me. He will have to petition the court if I'm to allow visits. I can't help him.

Another Continuance

My SW again didn't have the report in and so court was continued from 05-03 to 05-10. The good news is however that I don't have to go because my Atty is going to waive my appearance.

Life is Good! I really have no complaints and feel confident that very soon, this will be fully behind me!