General Uncomfortable Feeling, Always, Before Court.

I use to say "don't ever put yourself in a position to where other people decide your fate."

I've said that countless times to friends in custody battles. The comment was as a reminder that we have to work to compromises and if not, then judges and mediators may be the ones making those decisions.

I'm on the eve of my 12 month review with the dependency court. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I always do before court. For no other reason that the reminder of what I did to my children and the horror that I allowed to happen in our lives.

I've come along way in a year and I feel so much better. It's the little things that have made the biggest difference. Waking up and not thinking up excuses of how I can get out of work for the day. I will admit, the thought has crossed my mind a few mornings but the difference is not acting on it. Then once at work actually working. Ya know, earning my living and earning a good living - the best ever. It's also making a promise to my kids, and following through. Going to the library but moreover, returning the books before they are due....or just returning them.

I'm far from perfect and I think its the little things that I beat myself up over. I mean, the house isn't "spotless" but its not filty either. While I have food in the fridge and gas in my car and all my bills are virtually paid, I'm cash poor. I have things I want to do, trips out of the area, even one out of state, and I have to ask permission. I've never had to make sure every duck was in a row and that the cobwebs (figuratively speaking) were completely cleaned. But I do now.

I was watching an old rerun of CSI and a statement was made about "I'm not a bad mom, but I'm under this microscope" and the CSI lady commented "Yeah, I know, and no one looks good under that!" That made me feel better, but then it made me ache that I put myself under that microscope.

I still can't believe this happened and in the same breath I'm so glad it did. I hated what I was. I hated being so mentally de-funct that I couldn't enjoy the joy in my life. There's nothing like laughter and smiling. I went through hell to get to this point and for that I'll never ever forget from where I came from....I don't need to go there again to realize that "happy" and "joy" really can happen, even for me.

BUT, I know, always a but, but I just can't help but feel this uncertain feeling I have each time I go to court. And today I have it...and tomorrow, I know it will pass!