His First Visit since Feb

In a few hours, my son will be having his first visit with his father since the first week in February.

The visitation center called to arrange the visits the other day and we agreed to 4pm to 6pm but they don't have openings so they are going to put him in the 3pm to 5pm slot. I have issue with that because I cannot and WILLNOT miss work. I also don't think its fair to my son to be sitting around the county visitation center with strangers waiting a half hour to forty minutes for me to pick him up.

But I have not choice in the matter. It is what it is.


I want to document how I'm feeling. I have anxiety and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I want to cry. I don't feel good. I know that John will but I feel like its a matter of time before he doesn't see him again. I tried to be positive and tell him about the day with his dad and that I hoped he had fun and when I left school, he gleefully told his friends "I get to see my dad today!" I wanted to just drop and fold my hands over my face and cry for him.

Now I have to begin the process of prayer. Praying that each visit he will be there. That he won't cave into temptation of drugs and that he will be a "dad!"

Summer's Here!

I'm relishing in the fact that summer is here. Winter, as always is a time for depression and gaining weight. This year, things were much better emotionally but as for the scale, that's another story.

My daugther and mother have headed south and my son and I are home. We are getting ready to move on July 1st so there is a lot of time spent packing boxes, organizing, throwing things away and watching X-Files!

I feel content and happy and am looking forward to having a new place!

Dealing with the "In Laws!"

They aren't really inlaws but that's the best way to describe my daughter's grandmother and her husband.

They are what seems to be nice people living the life of an illusion. The grandmother has gone off the deep end and has no relationship with her father or son (daughter's father!).

I'm writing because its a strained relationship and its part of my growing how I deal with people. Things are left to lie and I say how I feel. I never was able to do that. I would succumb to silence, and in the end, do what pleased other people.

How did I get to the point of being able to share my fears and my expectations and then stop and listen to the feedback?

Definate Change In Me!

I notice change in the little things. The things that use to bother me and cause major friction now just roll off my shoulders. I realize that other peoples ignorance isn't anything I need to concern myself with.

This weekend, my mother made a few comments that show that she thinks I'm inept. But that's okay - that's her way of making herself feel better. She has long put me down because I'm not what she thinks I should be. And that's okay - that part has always been okay with me. In that regard, its about her...not me.

The situation was that she picked up some forms from the kids' school to fillout. She proceeded to tell me how to fill them out, as if I don't know how to read or write or haven't provided registration information to the school. I just told her that I would handle it and thanked her for picking up the forms.

Then again, yesterday, came comments about how well behaved my son was when he was at her house and then she added.... "I know that he's not always like that when you're around but he was such an angel!"

Well, I'd like to say, for the record, that MOST of the time, my son is very jovial, friendly, and well mannered. He is Three, so there are times he's difficult. I guess her perception of events at my house is that he's hard to handle and not well mannered. That's too bad she feels that way because that couldn't be further from the truth.

I keep my distance from my mother with thest kind of comments while probably good intentions, can be hurtful and serve no purpose to me other than to demean me or upset me.

The point of this post is the change in me. While I can't say her comments don't bother me, I can say that I don't react or let it bother me so much that I can't stop the thought process of what she said to me. I'm really proud of my accomplishments this past year. I really had to go through hell to get to where I'm at but I will say, it was worth it.

What I still graple with is the guilt that I have of putting my children through hell. I honestly do love them and want good things for them. I get angry at myself, even today, for not having the courage or strength to leave abusive relationships sooner or to get up and get a higher paying job. I will say however that I won't ever have to go back and give much care or concern to what other people think or feel. If "I" concern myself with my children and myself, then "WE" will be better off!

A general update on everything

It's strange.....

I feel happy. Fat and happy but not fat and miserable. I was so miserable before all this happened. As hard as it was not having my kids with me, it was more miserable having them and living in hell.

That's all behind us now. I'm doing so well that I just can't believe that this is my life. Money's tight, but my bills are paid and I don't feel like I'm not ever going to make it.

The kids are happy. We do more things together and I feel like we're talking together more.

I still have some things I want to improve on. The house isn't as well organized as I'd like it to be. I'm hoping with more room will come more organization. I think I have too much stuff for the small place we are in. Also, I want more of a bedtime routine - bath, book, bed. It seems like we kind of just fly around still and are not that "organized" when it comes to those kinds of things.

My daughter is amazing. I love her so much. She's really grown up. She is awesome with her brother and I can't get enough of her. I like it when my mom's out of Town and her dad has to work because I get to spend more time with her. We laugh and have the same interests in TV shows!!! Its all about CSI and X-Files!

As for John, he's growing and growing every single day. He's got a sassy little attitude about him and a very loving nature. I'm truly blessed. At his preschool performance last week, he said HI MOMMY between every song - there was about 9 of them!

My relationship with my mom is going well. I'm happy in that regard but would like to work on a relationship more with my dad.

All in all, things are good!

Daily Fluid Intake

Nothing really as I went early in the morning :lol

SW Visits / Ex Calls

The SW came by the house to visit and things went well - she seemed generally pleased with everything - nothing negative to report.

My ex called! He wants to talk about his visits but I deferred him to the SW and the visitation center. I just can't deal with him. He asked if he could call to talk to our son and I told him that now wasn't a good time - that I would see how visits go before making that decision.

I'm boggled that he gets 2 visits per month but isn't required AT ALL to complete any kind of case plan. But whatever, I figure I have about 9 more months of defelection to the SW before I have to deal soley with him and in that time, he will probably be incarcerated yet again!

EX Tries Calling Again

In the last week, he has tried on probably three days to reach me. Each time I have been away from the house.

Lastnight the message said "I need to touch base with you on a few things, please pick up when I call!"

For the record, we have nothing to discuss at this stage of HIS recovery!