A Week After the Decision!!!

The week has been good! We went out of town for 2 nights, because we could and I called only one time out of curiosity at which numbers for drug testing they were calling. It wasn't mine! YIPPE!!!

Tomorrow, I will go visit my dad. Today, we are cleaning the house. It really needs some love!

As for the kids, they are doing great! Things are awesome!!!

Mailing a letter

Well, I've decided that I'm going to respond to my STBX-Husband with the Dear Dad Letter and just tell him straight up what a fucking psycho sick bastard I think he is. His behavior, his ghost hunting, his nastiness needs to go away and leave us alone.

I will mail it today. Should be interesting to see if he will try to write again!

Letter from DS' Dad

why can't he leave me alone?

He said the judge yelled at him. Wanted to give him prison but said he'd see him back in Jan for another possible go around in recovery. He said "Wow, the judge sees something in me!"

He talks about how he's done. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I'm so SICK of hearing this shit. I sent him the DEAR DAD letter and I told him not to fucking call me. FUCK HIM! Fuck him! I'm so sick of his letters from jail. All his bullshit. He's disgusting. Running from ghosts and climbing into people's backyards. I don't want anything to do with him. I want him to go away. To leave me along. To get right THEN come back into his son's life. Not get a rat ass 2 days clean and think this is it. He just doesn't get it and I hate to say it, but I feel he's hopeless!

It's Over!!!

My case has been dismissed.

I'm no longer in the social services system. We have survived!!!!

I arrived at court early, as usual. Did the metal detector thing and got the copy of the report. It was very favorable for me and recommended dismissal. The social worker did a nice job and I was pleased with everything in her report. The orders were going to be modified to include supervised vistitation for the father of my son. I agreed to this wording but it is primarily at my discretion. He probably will get 2 visits a month for 2 hours but time, place, supervisor is up to me! I am okay with this.

I share legal custody with my daughter's dad and I have sole physical. I have sole legal and physical of my son.

The hearing was about 5 seconds long. The DA had nice things to say. She expressed some concerns at first that she didn't think I'd make it with my relapse in Aug 04, but said that she's really pleased with my progress, that I worked hard, and talked about my support group, my mother, and that the kids seem happy and well taken care of. She smiled at me, winked and had a kindness about her.

I got props from my daugther's dad's attorney in the form of an offering of a kleenex and a wink.

I had written a letter to the court that was passed around. It made my social worker cry because I said nice things about her particularly. I just pointed out how grateful I was for this experience and while I'm glad it's over, I will take from it nothing but positive memories.

So that's it. I'm done! Now what?

Well, I guess its time now to work on completing my book! I hope to have it finished for publication in the next 3 months. I plan on sending the DA, Judge, My Lawyer and the Social Worker a copy. I don't plan on making money on this, but moreover to share this with people that have gone through this with me.

Awww...Freedom! How sweet it is!!

The Wake Up I've Been Waiting For!

In two hours, I'll be sitting at the courthouse waiting for my final hearing to put my case to rest!

I have many mixed emotions this morning. The biggest is fear that something isn't going to go exactly right and the hearing will be postponed. If that is the case, that is torturous!

I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to move on. Things in my life are the best they have ever been. I'm a single mom and I'm doing it just fine!

I just have this aching feeling like the SW didn't get the paperwork in. If I arrive and there isn't a report, that will be a confirmation of my biggest fear. Then will my ex be transported from jail and if he's not, will they continue the case? Did my daughters dad REALLY talk to his lawyers? Afterall, I can't call him today as his phone is out of service.

So there's a lot of little things that could not go in my favor but I also hope and pray that the work that needs to be done has been so I can walk away from this and begin to fully move past the last 18 months!

AP Wire | 11/12/2005 | Mother accused of offering 4-year-old for sex over Internet

AP Wire | 11/12/2005 | Mother accused of offering 4-year-old for sex over Internet

A very appauling story! I cannot imagine what would prompt a mother to sell her child for sex! WOW is all I can say!

The recommendation is to CLOSE THE CASE!!!

A rep from the DA's office....the people representing the children, came by today. She was a very lovely young woman with a friendly face. She needed to speak to the children and it had to be out of my presence. They came into the kids bedroom and my heart sunk. I don't know why other than I was wondering if there would be just one thing said that would prevent them from closing the case. I know there is nothing. Well, maybe I wasn't exactly as patient as I should have been on an ocassion or two. I don't know. I'm human. I'm not perfect. I'm fallable. I know that. And I was thinking that they'd find something....one reason. Just one!

She visited with the kids for about 10 minutes. It seemed like a very long 10 minutes. Me and my mother sat out in the living room. We turned on the TV and began talking about various other things. Then the door opened and emerged the children and this very lovely young woman. My kids were holding a picture and they seemed very comfortable with her.

My mother asked if she could speak to her, if there was anything my mom could say that may have impact and the woman said that was fine. I then came into the bedroom with the kids for about 5 minutes. I know that my mother has nothing but good things to say. I know this, because she knows my progress in the last year. My mother would not EVER cosign my bullshit. If something wasn't right, she would tell them!

I shook the young womans hand and she departed!

My mother said that the recommendation was to close the case.

C L O S E T H E C A S E

OMG!

Close the case. So now I have support of the Social Worker and I have support of the District Attorney's office.

I did it!!

SW Called and DA to visit

On Monday, the SW visited the kids school to make contact before court. She just needed to see they were "alive and well!" And they are.

Tomorrow the DA's office will visit our home. In 8 days I return to court and this could all be over.

After bugging DD's dad to call his lawyer to check in, he finally left them a message either lastnight or today. He won't be at court so hopefully his message will get through and everything will be okay.

That now becomes my only fear!!!

Monday evening, the SW called to tell me she went by the kids school to see them. All she did was look in on them and say hi. This is the first time she's seen them since July and had to cover her ass in the event the Judge asked when she last saw the kids. Sad but true!

I also received a call from someone at the DA's office who wants to come see the kids. They will be coming to my house Thursday evening. This is cool because she will get to see the house and all its glory! I have some pictures that I have taken a few months back that I will supply her so that this information gets into the court file!

The pictures aren't "current" but not much has changed here. Just a more cluttery desk but I'll work on that part tonight!

I have 8 more days! Possibly 1-2 more testing appointments if all go well.

I also keep reminding my daughter's dad to call his lawyer. He hasn't!

Blogwise - details about Surviving CPS

My blog that gets little reads has been added to Blogwise!!!

http://www.blogwise.com/bloginfo?uid=97801

10 Days to Court

The SW just called to tell me she visited the school just to see the kids. She was there just a minute and just had to make an appearance wtih them. More to Cover her own ASS than anything. She hasn't really visited with us since July and if the Judge asks her when she saw them last, July wouldn't fly!

Oh well, works for me.

I continue to ask my ex, DD's dad, if he's called his lawyer. NOPE, nothing. I told him flat out if he didn't call her to check in or go to court, I'd be fucking FURIOUS. Because they WILL continue the hearing if his dumbass doesn't show up.

Can you tell I'm irritated? I am because he's NOT called before when I told him too and the court hearing was delayed. So I'm not talking out my ass here!

The DA's office has called. Well they called my mom's and they want to meet with the children. I called today but they didn't return either call. I told the SW this and now I just have to call her every single day until she makes arrangements to talk to the kids. Again, I want my mother there because I don't trust them.

Everything is going perfect actually. I am glad this is almost over. I look forward to the day that they tell me the case is discharged because I want to move past this whole experience.

I feel BLAH!

I have been feeling like I have swollowed about 1500 butterfiles and I hate it. I don't know if its my ex being in jail. Or the case coming to a close. Or the fact that some old friend has come back into my life, only he lives super far away. Or maybe its because winter is coming and I hate the cold, the dark and the weight gain!

I'm the reverse bear, I gain in the winter...whereas they gain in the summer.

I hate my ex. I don't hate him, I hate what he becomes and where he goes when he sticks needles in his arms. I hate what he's NOT done with our son...he's not been a father!

I don't like feeling. I use to be such a physical and passionate person and love scares me. Not that this person who came back into my life could ever be more than a friend from a distance, the meer fact that I don't enjoy this feeling tells me that I'm just really not capable or even really willing to open myself up to love again. I they say there is a fine line between love and hate. Well, love = pain...they are one in the same. Wow, there was a sign, my computer hiccupped as I typed that and said "TOTALLY"...ya know, Jeff Spicoli. God talks to me through certain medium and he's spoken. Love = Pain, TOTALLY!

I miss being young when life was simplier. I miss being single and not having any responsibilities. I love my kids tremendously but sometimes I just don't know if I'm really cut out to be someone's parent. I know, its a little to late to say that. I also am not waffling on my recovery or the past 18 months. I still firmly believe that I had to do what I had to do in order to get where I'm at. I regret the pains of my past and the horror inflicted on the innocents of my life. I do love my kids. I just feel BLAH as the subject conveys and I don't know exactly why. That's a lie, I know exactly why. Talking about it will take the power out of it.

I'm scared. Scared to love and scared to be alone.

GO figure!