I feel BLAH!

I have been feeling like I have swollowed about 1500 butterfiles and I hate it. I don't know if its my ex being in jail. Or the case coming to a close. Or the fact that some old friend has come back into my life, only he lives super far away. Or maybe its because winter is coming and I hate the cold, the dark and the weight gain!

I'm the reverse bear, I gain in the winter...whereas they gain in the summer.

I hate my ex. I don't hate him, I hate what he becomes and where he goes when he sticks needles in his arms. I hate what he's NOT done with our son...he's not been a father!

I don't like feeling. I use to be such a physical and passionate person and love scares me. Not that this person who came back into my life could ever be more than a friend from a distance, the meer fact that I don't enjoy this feeling tells me that I'm just really not capable or even really willing to open myself up to love again. I they say there is a fine line between love and hate. Well, love = pain...they are one in the same. Wow, there was a sign, my computer hiccupped as I typed that and said "TOTALLY"...ya know, Jeff Spicoli. God talks to me through certain medium and he's spoken. Love = Pain, TOTALLY!

I miss being young when life was simplier. I miss being single and not having any responsibilities. I love my kids tremendously but sometimes I just don't know if I'm really cut out to be someone's parent. I know, its a little to late to say that. I also am not waffling on my recovery or the past 18 months. I still firmly believe that I had to do what I had to do in order to get where I'm at. I regret the pains of my past and the horror inflicted on the innocents of my life. I do love my kids. I just feel BLAH as the subject conveys and I don't know exactly why. That's a lie, I know exactly why. Talking about it will take the power out of it.

I'm scared. Scared to love and scared to be alone.

GO figure!