The Letter

Hey,

I just wanted to write a few things that I feel heavy on my heart.

I went to court yesterday and was ordered released into THU/SLE (on waiting list for bed space availability). I should be happy but I sit here sobbing like someone died or something. I cry out to God just to keep me. I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. I DON'T.

I ahd some pictures sent in of (our son) and I togeter at parks and some of us visiting. Each time I look at him I see what a loser I am. I've become my father.

As I was praying - crying to Jesus I was reminded that (our child) is His Child. Who am I to mistreat God's Child?

Looking back on all this and asking God for insight, He revealed things to me that I didn't quite understand. I was mad that He let me get married and have a child just for all this pain and misery to all.

He told me that I was looking for something to fix me and thought to myself that if I was married or had kids, I woudl never use.

So I selfishly proceeded to ruin many many lives. Trying to fill a hole so deep and dark that no amount of wordly influence could penetrate. Not wife. Not kids. Not job, car, house, $, ect. ect.

Only God. God's light!

But I wouldn't listen!!!! I was blinded and continued to choose darkness over goodness.

Anyway, I had no right to marry without having my addiction in check. I rushed in with promises I knew I could keep, only to watch the deveil laugh in my face as I broke every single promise made.

I wanted the American Dream. Now I realize I can't even enjoy a daydream.

So here I am aboutto step out into the big bad world again and swim or drown.

I'll be 42 on the 22nd, clean and sober 5 months.

Please search your heart for a visit. Any kind, anywhere, Please!!!

Anyway, if not I understand but I will be at SLE 4 months and you want 6 months after. That means somewhere around Xmas?? Imagine each day......I know, that's what I deserve.

About support. I will start back up next month. I asked for modification & it was granted. Don't worry about the $900 from October I gave you. YOu were waiting on a check. The real problem is my right side, shoulder, arm, chest, back has dwindled to nothing and surgery is a must. Each day I worked in Oct, I thought it would be my last because I couldn't do the tasks required. Thank God for welding certs, they kept me working. I'm hoping surgery will fix it, if not, let go let God.

Know this - I do want to support my son and as you have seen when I have it, I give it okay! I'm still going to see (training coordinator) to get reinstated and will do my best to go to work as I set up appointments. May have to go on state disability for a bit. Who knows.

And we need to pursue our divorce ASAP. Its a huge trigger. 100% you / 0% me (whatever the fuck THAT means???)

(The Judge) has made it clear that I have 7 open cases dating back to 2001, dancing on freeway, running around nude, drunk-spun, delirious, hearing and seeing things that don't exist all these things have been done while incoherant...gone. I am no danger clean and sober! I con't chase after trains or.....actuallyI'm a hard working descent person. They recognize all this and have seen way way way worse. He said my efforts show consistency for 8 months and probation has reported sincere willingness and determination that they recommend reinstatement. He also made it clear I can get one year on each 7 cases!!

In other words, go hang yourself...here's more rope!

If not, we will graduate and dismiss all 7 cases....GET IT RIGHT!

Anyway, I have goals set this year...finish school, get surgery, get divorce, and God Willing, see my son.

Thankyou for this last chance in his life (as if to think you actually fucking have one you presumptions fucking asshole!!!) He will have what I never did...his real dad around.

I understand about 6 months out of SLE and look forward to accomplishing recovery one day at a time (HURL!) You won't be sorry!! (riiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!)

God Bless

(signed: stupid irresponsible fucking dumbass stbx-husband's name!!!)

ps....thanks for listening. I know its hard, but we need some sort of communication for (our son). I miss my little man - sniff sniff - he remembers that!

pss....I'm sad. (His Sister) is leaving. She told me you went by there. I called her last night to let her know I'll be out w/in a week or two. Thank you for doing that. It was very thoughtful. We talked a lot and agreed that this is an opportunity of a lifetime to give my son something I never had. Don't throw it away forever (dude, it was thrown away a long time ago, I just gave you a couple more chances and you fucked those up - chances are OVER unless I have a piece of paper that says I have to let you see MY SON and so far, it's not arrived) We cried and she made me promise. Said to call her and she will drive 3 hours just don't get high. I promised I would (promised what? You would call or would get high???? :lol) and I miss her already. She's not gone yet.

Give (our son) hugs nad Kisses from dad (crossed out) Just hug him!