DS can't remember his dad

This broke my heart lastnight.

My son has started asking me to call him (his dad's name) as a nickname. I told him I wouldn't do that but I'd call him another nick name, Jack. He said he doesn't want to be Jack, he wants to be (his dad's name).

Then my son turned to me and said, "Mom, I don't remember my dad!"

Sadly, I said "What do you mean you don't remember him.....?"

Quietly he replied "I know what he looks like because I have a picture of him, but I don't remember him mom!"

I didn't know what to say. I don't know that anything needed to be said. I got incredible sad and held my son and I cried. I cried out and screamed in my head about how this fucking son of a bitch has done this to our son. What kind of person does this to their child?

People look at me and ask the same questions for all the shit I did and how I ended up in the system but I've been there for my kids. I have been there with every cold, nearly every doctors apppointment. I stayed home with them when they weren't feeling well and when I lost them, I fought for them. I fucking FOUGHT FOR THEM! Not the system. I didn't fight them. I surrendered to the system. I fought myself...my inner demons...my desires and I just did it. I did what I had to do in order to be my kids' mom again.

My kids are awesome. OMG, I love them so much. I could not imagine having a child I didn't know or couldn't see. I'm far from a perfect mom and somedays I don't even feel like I'm a good mom. But my kids know one thing...they are loved. I may be late on bills from time to time, short on cash, low on non-essential foods, skimming coins to buy gas, and my house may get messy but I always pick myself up, do my chores, clean my house, get to the next paycheck, splurge on them when I have a few extra dollars and I hug them. I love them and I show them affection.

I'm really sad for my ex. I really am. He has missed out on so much. My son too has. His dad wasn't a bad dad when he was there and available. There were many sweet moments that I can share with my son about how much his dad loved him. I will be able to tell him how when his dad was around, they took baths together. In the summer, we put up a pool in the backyard and they would play in the water out back. I call tell him about the time we all went to the drive in movies and smashed ourselves in the back of the ford station wagon. I can tell him these things.

What I have a hard time telling him is the truth....Dad's a drug addict and sometimes dope is more important than you. I don't know that its more important. I don't think its that easy, but it is. That's what's so sad about addicts who can't put their kids first. I've been that addict on a few days. Today I'm not. I'm able to be there for my son and wipe his tears when he feels bad. I feel good about that. I can't cave in and call my ex and tell him how my son feels even though that's exactly what I want to do. He hasn't earned the right to know these things. Till then, I will continue to speak nicely about his father and I will encourage him to have memories as he brings him up to me.