DD has lunch with Dad and I visit the Lawyer!

What an emotional day!

DD and my mom meet her dad for Lunch. Apparently he's lost 15lbs, has a settlement coming of which I'll get $2000. He also wasn't "fired" from his job but he was. He had "something personal to do and needed a half day" and the boss told him that wasn't going to work out. Then approached him to say that if he quit, it would look better for him so here "sign this" and he did. What the fucking idiot fails to recognize is that you don't get to collect unemployment when you quit. If he wasn't allowed time off and was fired for it, especially if its a really compelling reason to be gone, then he would have been able to get it? Oh well, his loss.

My mom said he was pale and thinner. Sounds like meth use to me! I'm positive he's been using it because of our source and because of him going absent for days on end. DD wanted to go home with him, but that's not going to happen!

Later in the day we visited the lawyer. She gave great advice. It includes my mom siezing the kids at the event of my death or accident and immediately filling for guardianship. I'm to ask for Hair Follicle testing before DD resumes any kind of visitation with my ex (other than supervised). And she indicated it would be easy for me to ask for supervised visitation for my son so that's what I'm going to do. I have to prepare the papers and then go file.

I really wanted to hire someone to do this for me but its expensive and if its easy, then I should be able to do this. We are going to have to go to Mediation. Costs MONEY. FUCK! This whole thing is fucked up. Maybe he'll just go get loaded and be gone and then I don't have to worry about it....but I'll always have to worry about it.

I made two VIAL mistakes that resulted in the best gifts of my life and and just have to remember that. I have great kids out of it and not give anymore than my kids receive. There will be NO MORE phone calls or expectations on either one of them. If they call...great. If they don't, unless my kids are upset, then they can call. I won't be suggesting it or calling them myself. I need to just completely separate myself as much as I can and parent my children!!

DD to meet with her Dad for Lunch!

My mom said that my daughter was still talking about her dad and my mom asked if I had called. So I did.

He answered.

Got the letter. Didn't know what to say. Didn't ever think his daughter would feel that way about him. He took it literally and rather than do the right thing he cowered. He's been depressed and has a lot going on in his head. To fucking bad pal. Even when I was in the grips of my addictions, I was there for my kids. I was physically there and as much as I could be emotionally. Inexcusable.

So my mom calls and ends up setting up lunch with him. I was just shocked she did this. I'm not against it but I'm not exactly FOR it either. I guess if DD sees him, maybe she will get over this feeling she has for awhile and get on with her life.

She also had a conversation with my mom and blames herself for getting taken :( Oh that just broke my heart to hear that. I have a lot of explaining to do!

EX Calls to speak with son

48 hours after he asked me if he could call, my ex calls.

F O R T Y E I G H T H O U R S ? ? ?

Whatever!

That is just fucked up. Sorry but it is. I haven't said "you can't call" since I started obeying the court order. I had to pause because I almost said "letting him see my son!" But I'm not letting him because if it was up to me he wouldn't get visits. But its not up to me. I'm the mother of my child and its not up to me! Something is wrong with that. I went through this court system and I worked my ass off and I got my kids back.

He's had lewd public behavior, got arrested about 4 times and spent most of the time we were in Family Reunification in Jail...and he still gets to see his son? (shaking head) Yeah, our system is FLAWED!

Its typical that he doesn't call on the weekends. He's busy with someone so his attention is to that person. I don't know this for sure, but its part of the "pattern!" Then around 7pm on Sunday's the phone rings because he has to be home to do his chores and house meeting at the SLE.

I haven't lived with this man in over 3years and he's still predictable to me!

Something I want noted re: Phone Calls for my son!

My ex has not called to speak to him aside from right before visitation to talk to my son. He asked me today if he could call. It was an absurd question and I told him that! He asked when he could call. I said tonight, we will be home tonight!

It's 10pm and he didn't call.

Who doesn't call their kids?

EX Husband Calls / Says Sorry! Still deep in denial!

I was on my way home from work. Its been a very quite few days around the house with no one bothering me. DS' dad still hasn't called after the "Dad I hate you Letter!" I knew it would only be a matter of time before ex-husband calls.

That happened tonight.

I picked up the phone and he said he wanted to say sorry for getting angry! Yeah, whatever! Heard it all before. I did have the opportunity to tell him he's still living in denial and he's not a changed man. He starts in about visitation and getting more. I almost had to laugh. But I didn't. He asked what it would take. I wish I had thought of this on the phone but here is a scenario.

Iraq: We are at war and the Libs want to bring the Soldiers home by a specific date. The Repubs want certain criteria met before that happens. Let's just say I'm repub on both of these issues.

Some arbitrary date of say October 17, 2006 is not a date I will entertain for unsupervised visits. Why? Because who the hell knows what he's going to be doing by then. I said "when you're out of the SLE for a long period of time and have shown some personal responsibility."

"That will be at least 8 months before I'm out of the SLE" he adds!

"So!" I remark!

Lets do a quick synapse of the cycle of his drugs use.

Summer Months, November and February are bad for him. When he gets out of the SLE, the longest I've known him to stay FREE (meaning not arrested...I didn't say "clean" okay) has been 30 days. He gets loaded, does sick ass shit, gets arrested, goes to jail.

Do you think that I'm going to let my son go with him anytime before he blows my hair back and makes me think "WOW, he's really changed....all be darned...I was seriously wrong about that guy!"

That day has not presented itself to me. I'm not convinced it will ever happen. In fact, he's one of the only people on this planet that I personally know that I view as hopeless!

It's how I feel. It's valid.

So tuesday is the big day. I got all my CPS papers and other orders I've filed with the court and we are going to do this! We are going to talk to a Lawyer and we are going to ask for Legal Custody of my daughter and Professional Visitation observing my son's visit and I want to make my mother the guardian of my children if they die.

Simple! And I can't wait!!

I am consulting with an attorney

I sat here all day, in jeopardy of getting caught by my employer, printing forms, going back and forth to the printer, when I just decided to take my mom up on her offer to help with a lawyer.

I googled "family law" and the city I'm in and up came a Woman law firm so I called and I have an appointment on Tuesday. I will be able to ask her about future visits and if I'm required by law to give them. If so, then I guess I have to give them. If not, I will have her draw up papers that allow him to have them made up....IF that is he can afford them.

I feel better about this!

I also will be discussing my other case with DD's dad and his drug use and how he's unavailable and how we share legal custody. I may just be in court with each of them!

By hiring a lawyer, the forms will be right and complete. I will not have to worry about serving these two. I may not even have to be in court for this. This could just be what I needed to get exactly what we need and right the first time! No more dicking around!!!

I pulled the trump card!

The Visitation Center called and told me I needed to refile to ask for Professional Visitation and for him to pay for it.

So I'm prepared to do that.

I called him to tell him that and that the Church Lady wasn't going to work out. I sited reasons why including her possible inability to intervene in the visit if a situation arsied.

He was pretty pissed. Blamed me. Said I didn't want to have him visit. Brought up the moving south thing and how I'm just trying to keep him away. I tried so hard to be cordial and then I just snapped. I told him flat out what I feel about him. That I think he is disgusting and has very scary behavior. I mentioned the incident on War. Drive in SC that evening in Aug 2004 when he was wearing indescent clothing and doing really bizarre things. He was quiet and I was very verbal about it. He came back with telling me I'd be sorry and that he's clean and the judge will see that and start ordering more. He then said again that I was trying to keep my son from him. I finally told him to look in the mirror and blame who he saw. I am NOT going to cave to this....this is a feeling in my GUT and I'm following thru for my sake and the sake of my son. He inferred I was selfish. I finally just told him to fuck off and I hung up.

So I have the papers and I'm going to go to court tomorrow to see about filing them. If its easy, it will go on calendar. If its difficult, I'll consult with an attorney.

I'm doing the right thing. I know that and everyone I talk to, including the Visitation Center, says I'm doing the right thing. I'm not doing this to be a bitch but to protect myself and my son. In time, if he can stay clean, it will change for him but he thinks he should have the world handed to him with a rat ass 16 weeks clean and with 9 court cases hanging on his head and that's not the case. I went to Counseling for about 6-8 months, Outpatient for 6 months and parenting for a year. He didn't complete shit and I shouldn't have to supervise his visits. When the court orders were issued, his sister was here...that's change and sorry, but the Church Lady doesn't give me warm fuzzies!!!

All the paper's have been sent!

I told my ex yeterday in a letter that I will not be supervising his visits and that I'm looking to a Visitation Center.

He pitched a fit and it is just lame, but I can't concern myself with it. I have to concern myself with my SELF and my son. Its not right for my son to wonder why I'm sitting in the car during visits!

Ex calls today and wants some Church Lady to do the visit. I will talk to her and I have questions for her. I also need to talk to the Visitation Lady. I really am not comfortable with anyone outside of a professional w/ a license.

I have some people I need to consult with. Till then, I'm just going to continue looking for the visitation Center!

DD's dad is rumored to be using Meth!

After the events of yesterday and the I hate my dad statements and then bringing it up again today to my mom, we decided to try to get ahold of DD's dad today. My mother called his mother and grandfather asking if they knew how to reach him. Nothing.....

Since he hadn't been home in 3 days, I instructed my mom to call his girlfriends home. She left a message and the ex-girlfriend called back.

She has not seen DD's dad or heard from him in 3 days. She was hesitant at first to share anything but then when my mom said to her "would you want someone to tell you something if it affected your daughter???" Then she spilled the beans.

He had been almost stalking her and she was getting ready to get a restraining order when he stopped calling or coming around 3 days ago. He had been acting "strange" and she confirmed (as he admitted) that he had been drinking and she also indicated he was using meth. That is the reason she kicked him out. She felt that he was "acting strange" and didn't want that shit around her daughter.

I wrote him a letter telling him that his daughter hates him. Why not, we have nothing to lose and he deserves to hear it because she doesn't deserve to feel that way! I also am going to file for sole legal custody. My best friend made a great point....."What if she's on life support, you can't turn it off without his consent!" I will be damned if I'm going to prolong the inevitable because that SOB is fucking absent.

After all I went through with my court case, I have no tolerance or use for people like him!

The Sound of Meth Use

This here is an MP3 file of my ex husband on meth in and around August 2003.

I found this and felt it was necessary to log this here.

Click Here to Listen

Faxed Visitation Center Info

I faxed the Visitation Center information relative to my case today and drafted a letter for my son's dad. I will give it to him at the close of the visit on Father's Day. Call me a bitch, but I didn't plan it this way...this is just how it worked out.

I have to get together my court order and then I will be finished. I will fax it to her on Monday and then if needbe, will figure out what the next step is. Hopefully he understands. I'm sure he won't....and I do feel bad about it. I feel bad that this is what he's become as a father.

I pick really shitty dad's for my kids' don't I?

Know you know why I don't date!!!

I hate my dad!!

These are words my daughter echo'd while holding back tears, and after talking with her very sick Grandfather.

I wanted to kill him. I wanted to call him and tell him what a fucking loser I thought he was. But I didn't. Instead, the tears flowed and I said "I think all of us have felt that way about our dad at one point...its okay how you feel!"

My poor little girl. Born too soon and beautiful as can be, he's taken no interest in her. She's a trophy to him. Coming around when its convenient for him or when he may have a great opportunity to be a dad to her. Its bogus and its bullshit and we are not calling him ever again.

Its been over 4 weeks since he's seen her. He hasn't called to ask about her new school or her grades. He knows she's leaving for a week on Saturday (or at least he should) and he hasn't called to say goodbye. He hasn't called to say he missed her. He hasn't called to say he loves her. He hasn't called.

He hasn't called!

Yeah, I'd hate my dad too!!

Visit Scheduled for Father's Day

EX called and I'm going to allow a father's day visit and then the next day I will spring on him the fact I am going to look to returning to court to have him visit somewhere organized. I cannot do the visits anymore. And this is following my gut instincts! Creating a boundary. Doing what's best for my son!

I'm persuing the Supervised Visitation Center

I talked to the lady that ran the visitation center today and this is the avenue I am going look to too help with supervising my son's visit. She confirmed that I'm party to the action and I should not be supervising the visit. I don't feel comfortable doing it and I want out of it. He put himself in this situation and somehow I feel obligated to follow the court order but this just isn't going to work out. I need to be separate from the visit and if I don't have somewhere for my daughter to be, its not far to her to partipate or sit in the car!

So, now I gather the information and get this over to the lady for her to look at considering helping me with this!

D E N I E D ! ! !

When you get fired from a job, you typically cannot collect unemployment.

That is what DD's dad is finding out. How do I know this? My mom talked to his stepdad about something relating to DD and it was mentioned to her that his unemployment claim was denied.

What's that mean for me? Well, I won't get any money from him and his arrears are going to just go up!

Does he call to tell me anything? Course not! I know nothing and I care to know nothing. I'm done with him and every other blood and money soaking mother fucker out there!

Father's Day

I was at Target tonight looking at Cards for Father's Day. I began to be sad that I'm not closer to my dad. Then I got really angry.

All the cards that talk about what "what a great dad you are" just fucking pissed me off when I looked at my kids standing there looking at cards.

Great Dad's? That's not their experience. Their dad's rarely call and when they do, it's because they want something. They don't call very rarely to say much beyond hi! Ocassionally, but more on the side of hardly ever, do they call and ask to see the kids.

DS' dad does call to see him but he has taken to a habit of not calling. Do I care? No, I don't. I'm glad he doesn't call because I don't even want him to have contact with my son but he does.

DD's dad is self absorbed and lazy...oh, add unemployed to that. He didn't even have the balls to call and tell me he moved and lost his job. Of course, he doesn't care that his loss of a job affects my family's income. I mean, a simple "don't expect a check" would be nice as I try to budget money for the month.

Basically, I get no courtesies from them. I've been left to raise two kids by myself and with the help of my mother. They are both shitty father's and I'm suppose to spend $2.92 at the store to basically buy a card that lies about what kind of dad's they are?

How about a card that says this:

I searched and searched the card store for the perfect card and none were apprpriate. So I made my own....it goes like this........Happy Deadbeat Day Dad? How come you never call?

Yeah, I'm bitter. My kids are great kids and the one person that's suppose to treat them like the prince and princess they are honestly don't give a rats ass. I opted not to spend the $2.95 each on the card. They can go fuck themselves!

EX visits son

for 2 hours on Tuesday 5/30/06!