Letter to DD's Dad

I don’t know if I posted this before but I finally got around to dropping it off. I drove this to DD’s Dad’s Grandpa’s house where he stays and left it on his bedroom door.  Grandpa went on to tell me about DD’s dad and his behavior. One of the things that bothered me was that he slammed the door and a picture of our daughter fell to the floor. Rather than pick it up, he ignored it and would walk over it. Finally about a day later, Grandpa picked it up.  Here is the letter…in a moment, I’ll transcribe the phone call that I got in response to this letter and then the other letter I’m mailing today!

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December 5, 2006

Dear (DD’s Dad):

I’m writing to express how dire your financial contribution is to the welfare of our daughter.  Currently, I am paying $718 a month to her school and this does not include after school care that at times is required or the additional expenses that are incurred (school projects, book fees, registration fees, etc!).  (DD)’s tuition has increased substantially and now more than ever, your contribution is required to ensure that (DD) receives the best education possible while not having to go “without” at home! Since she started school, I have not seen one dime from you and the inquiries I’ve made to ask about your current work situation are met with nothing but arrogance and an attitude that it’s not your problem and that you don’t care.  You express zero concern and this is a huge concern for me because this is not only my daughter, she is your daughter and it is your problem and you need to start acting responsibly towards her!

Currently, you owe me $12070.08 in child support arrears and that amount will increase by $552 every month you aren’t contributing.  That equals to nearly 22 months of no support over the course of the child support case where I have not received any money from you.  That’s unacceptable and further demonstrates the points I’m going to make herein.

When I do not get child support from you, it affects our household expenses in which your daughter lives in.  She goes without many things on many days because I simply cannot afford to do more for her because you are not contributing to her well-being.  As her mother, it is my obligation to her, to fight for what is rightfully due to her and that is making you accountable and responsible, at the very least financially.

Moving forward, you will be held accountable for half of all of (DD)’s expenses, especially things like Medical Care.  For example, you will be paying half of the Emergency Room Visit in July and doctor’s appointments surrounding her recent broken arm.  The Emergency Room Visit for her July injury is about $400 and you can thank Frank for it not costing more than that!!!  However, the broken arm is not coverable under insurance and I got a call yesterday and the charges equal to $2,000 for the Broken Arm.  This means that you owe me approximately $1200 which I expect you to begin making some payments towards these bills immediately.  Be aware that this is IN ADDITION to Child Support which you need to begin making efforts to pay as well. 

I also want you to understand that your court ordered child support obligation is based on you having (DD) 20% of the time.  I have accepted less child support because of this calculation.  Are you aware that in all of her life, you have never exercised the liberal visitation that was so freely given to you?  I have been blamed over and over and over for your absence as a father because of your poor planning.  You always call late or more often than calling late, you just don’t call.

For example, in the calendar year 2006, she has not spent ONE overnight visit with you and between the end of March and sometime in September, you made little attempts to see her outside of the two softball games you attended and phone calls were nearly non-existent.  Do you realize you could have seen her over 75 overnight visits in 2006 and in prior years.  SEVENTY FIVE NIGHTS????  And do you know that I accept less child support based on you having her overnight?  Do you realize that in 2005 she spent probably less than 5 nights with you.  In 2004 I think she saw you more often but I still don’t think it was as often as you could have seen her. If I go back over the course of her life, you will find this pattern to be consistent. 

If you think I’m to blame, then I welcome you to take this to court where you can make a judge enforce visitation. 

Knowing you had been using, judging by your attitude towards me and the fact you’ve not taken personal responsibility, it would be irresponsible of me to allow her to go anywhere with you.  I fought too hard to get my kids back and I’m not going to allow them to go with anyone who poses a risk to them.  Currently, you are a risk and she is not going with you until the time you demonstrate responsibility to her.

The only person that you can blame for not having a relationship with your daughter is you.  You really are missing out on the beautiful woman she is going to become and in many ways, you’ve become the father and mother you claimed you never wanted to be.  She is dying to have a relationship with a father-figure and she will have one, it just may not be with you.  All you have demonstrated to her is that men are irresponsible, that they don’t care and that they are unreliable and I’m working hard to ensure that’s not her impression of ALL Men! Because not all men are like that! 

She won’t even talk about you at school because she’s embarrassed that she basically doesn’t have a dad.  I tell you these things not to be used against her later. Like the letter I wrote you where she said she hated you. I told you that so you could CHANGE IT, not so you could make her feel guilty for feeling that way.  Her feelings are justified because you’ve done nothing to change the way she feels.  You’ve continued to perpetuate her ill feelings towards you, working on fixing your relationship with (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend) over doing anything for your own daughter other than calling and blaming me for where you’re at in your life and relationship with (DD).  This isn’t my fault but you need to think about what you do and how it affects her and how its going to affect her future relationships.  The way you’re going, she won’t be asking you to walk her down the isle. Is that what you want??  If not, what are you going to do to change that?  I’ll tell you that you’ll have an easier time if I support your change and that will only happen if you stop blaming me and coming off with that arrogant and very indignant attitude you have for me when you’re screwing up. 

The whole incident with Halloween was intrusive and made everyone uncomfortable with your presence in my mother’s neighborhood, even your girlfriend!  Your behavior is despicable and after that phone message to (DD) saying I’m the reason you don’t see her and then your continued bad attitude towards me after your relapse is exactly why she doesn’t need to be around you.

Your pattern is that you come around during holidays or when you are entering a relationship.  (DD) is NOT a “date trophy” and will no longer be allowed to be paraded around your intended love interest or attend NA meetings or functions, if you’re even attending these.  This has again been proven to me by your sudden interest in her when you’re at (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend)’s house. 

And about (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend).  You are sending confusing signals to (DD) by your now five year on again off again relationship. I’ve never known anyone to break up as many times as  you two.  We have called over there I can’t tell you how many times thinking  you lived there only to find out you don’t. If only you could see what that does to (DD) when she hangs up and says “I don’t know where my dad lives but he’s not with (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend) anymore!”.

If (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend) know you continually were asking me out, calling me your “soul mate”, would she continue to have your sorry ass back at home?  Something is wrong with her.  I use to not have a problem with her but I cannot figure out for the life of me what you offer that keeps her coming back to you.  I am tired of trying to explain to (DD) why you are or are not with (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend) and I’m so glad that I don’t have to worry about sending her back into this dysfunctional relationship with (DD’s Dad’s Girlfriend) so you can pretend you’re involved with (DD).

I deserve to be treated with respect because I have bared the burden by myself, with little help from you at raising her!!!  It is my feelings that since your relapse, you’ve not given me one iota of respect and I’ve made it a point, in the last 2 ½ years to wash my hands of things and people that don’t treat us with respect.  Ever hear the term “good-bye to bad rubbish?”

I honestly believe that you have been loaded again since you resurfaced in September.  And I won’t tell you how or why I feel this way….just know that your arrests are a matter of public record and I can and will go pull them. 

In closing, know one thing, you will be held accountable for financially supporting her and I will do everything in my power and with the help of the Child Support Services office to collect what is rightfully due to (DD).  Child Support is for (DD)..Its not for me so when you think you’re hurting me by not paying it, you can’t be more wrong.  You’re hurting HER!

Sincerely,

ME