Sadness

I saw DS' dad today to get $300 in child support. It will be a few months before I get anything else. I felt kind of bad taking it but I need it. He looked sad. I left sad and I've been sad ever since. I keep crying. I hugged my son for 10 solid minutes tonight. I tried to tell him everything would be okay and that his dad loves him. He doesn't understand. He's only five. He doesn't understand what it means to be an addict. He asked me why I was crying. I told him love makes me cry sometimes. I love his father. I always will. Our relationship is over. I don't pine for him the way I use to. But I love him. He gave me the greatest gift of all. My son. And he's missing out on it and that makes me incredibly sad....sad for him and sad for my son.