Friday and still no call about times on Saturday!

On Monday, DD's dad expressed desire to see her. I kept open all day Saturday to which I will be home all day long. To date, I've received no call from him to schedule time to see her tomorrow. She will be available to him up until 5pm and after that time, he will have missed his visit and have to arrange something another time.

I've done some vile things to my kids - this is the whole reasoning behind the birth of this blog - but I've corrected my addictions and I'm doing awesome. I could not imagine treating my children like this - ignoring them basically. It saddens me. I wasn't like that even when I was using and living in misery. I was still there. Every day I was there! And I've never ever kept them wondering if I was going to show up or call. Not ever!

Phone calls by Guilt and a promise of a gift!

DD's dad has called 3 nights in a row promplty at 6pm. This is the "see, I'm involved and I care!" We'll see if he calls to arrange Saturday anytime soon.

During lastnight's call, he told her he was looking into a local ice hockey program for her. I just shook my head! Pay your child support first and talk to me about activities capiche!

Sorry, I don't have $250 you can borrow

DS' dad called to say he has a new job and asked to borrow money so his credit wouldn't be ruined. Sorry, no money!!!

Happy Birthday & Set up Meeting for Saturday

DD talked to her dad for 20 minutes - its the longest he's ever talked to her...so he says. Literally too!

I didn't have much to say other than asking if the got the message about Tuesday not working out. He asked what time on Saturday and I said "you tell me, I'm home all day!" and he said he'd call to arrange it later in the week.

Now we'll see if he follows through on that.

Today's his 39th birthday

Paternal Family Drama!

My daughter was diagnosed with Shingles on Saturday and her rash is starting to scab. When we were called lastnight to say goodbye to the Grandfather, the doctor ok’d her coming to see him. Her concern was he’d catch it. I had to explain to her a few times that it doesn’t matter if he gets it. He wants to die. We are going to say goodbye to him. And how lucky we are to have this opportunity to do so. Many people can’t do that!

The visit went well. He could go at anytime or hang on for another week or two. I guess it depends on how well he eats and drinks at this point and whether or not his body has started shutting down. He’s basically only being administered morphine for pain at this point. He looked weak, pale, but he knew who we were. And he cried. I held his hand and kissed him and told him to have a good Journey.

What else can you say to someone who is dying other than assure them its okay and that we will be okay.

We get home – DD’s grandma calls upset. Her dad’s brother up’d and left the house in a tizzy because grandma was exposed to Shingles. They “read about it on the internet” and are alarmists. I can see not seeing Breanna, or calling to ask what stage she’s in….but they decided to stay at a hotel and have said that they probably won’t visit Grandpa now because he’s been exposed too. I’m not going to feel bad about this. I made the shingles aware to everyone and had a doctor approve our visit to the hospital. If they are going to be that freaked out by this, then that is there prerogative. I just don’t like my daughter not being able to see her cousin and being made to feel like a freak.

All in all, I can’t wait for Grandpa to pass, for Grandma to move to Las Vegas, and for mediation so I can tell the mediator that DD’s dad hasn’t changed…he keep her waiting and that really bothers me because she felt “unwanted!”

I love my daughter so much and I need to really show her…..she’s vulnerable and emotional now and I need to be there for her and help her understand what is happening in this life. I don’t want my children to feel like freaks or that something is wrong with THEM.

DD's dad phones and grandpa is dying

I'll write more later but its Sunday at 4:30 and he's calling saying he didn't show up because he had court things to deal with and he had to leave the house at 7:30am and wasn't home till after 9pm! I didn't want to hear it - so I didn't.

He asked for her on Tuesday. I told him she may have plans but to call Monday and I'd know more then. That's about all I can do for him now because I'm preparing my daughter to go to visit with her dying grandpa.

Being the bigger person

DD's grandma called my mom to say her dad, papa, is in the hospital and things aren't looking good. He won't sign a DNR and they are all pissed about it. She will be calling my mom if/when he passes! My mom and I talked for a bit about it and I just sense DRAMA everywhere I turn.

I decided to be the bigger person and call her and she was upset when she knew it was me. I just told her I'd do anything for her or her family as it relates to helping, cleaning, transporting and shopping. They won't take advantage of it but my side of the street is cleansed.

I learned that DD's dad isn't getting the flag from his father's funeral and reamed his aunt - he just feels entitled. I hope that at the end of the day, people remember my daughter when it comes to the disbursment of any kind of family heirloom. If not, that's fine but it would be a nice gesture to give her something of sentimental value. This goes for her dad's dad that just passed and papa.

Also, he didn't call. DD knows and I asked her how she felt about it and she just says "not wanted!" I explained to her that this isn't about her - this is all about him and she should feel no less loved or beat down on herself as if its her fault - because its not. But when that mother fucker calls, I'm reading him the RIOT act. I'm sure he will have some lame ass excuse and then blame me in mediation, if he ever goes throught with signing up, but I have notes and they will all be brought into mediation and into court. I will leave no stone unturned. He can fuck himself and kiss my ass all at the same time!

How dare he not call when I give him a day to see her. Shame on him!

relapse confirmed & no phone call

My ex is with my son now and I feel sick to my stomache. As he walked back to his car after buckling in my son he proudly announced "I have the same cleandate as my birthday and I'm keeping it!"

I turned, in stock, and said "really, well bring my son back alive otherwise I will hunt you down and kill you" and I turned and walked back to my car. I was soo pissed that I walked to where I normally park it even though I was standing beside it.

Now I'm worried I made the wrong decision in him going with him. But I could not pull my son back out of that car and disappoint him. My God......I'm on edge and I feel horrible.

Regarding the no phone call - DD's dad didn't call for the visit and well, that's really all there is to report on that. Disappointment to say the least.

suspicion of a relapse & a conversation

Suspicion to DS' dad - 2 phone calls unreturned - a full message box and then a mumbling phone call. Lastnight he sounded normal. His excuse "car broke down / fight with girlfriend!"

Conversation w/ DD's Dad - over 30 minutes the other night, went on about what a great mom I am, how he doesn't want to fight, thought the judge was mad at me, hemmed and hawed about mediation! I told him I went to the orientation but if he were to go, that's his choice. I know that I'll get what I want and I did tell him that it's not forever - this is to ask for what is rightfully due to us based on his history and he has to earn more time with her back - just as I had too. He thought that meant I'd make him do parenting and other things I had to do during my juvenile case...that's not the case. What I want from him is near daily phone calls to her, regular visitation, child support paid, and interest in her daily life.

Both Dad's Visit this week

DD's dad came over to my mom's yesterday. They did the same as the week before - the music and the walk around the block. This time my mom said that he had new shoes on and made comments that during the walk he and Breanna talked. He wanted to know how she felt about him. I guess he asked difficult questions to probe her and what is she going to say? She said what he wanted to hear "No daddy, I'm not upset with you!" She may not be that minute but she sure was when she found out he moved w/out telling her and then when he was arrested. He doesn't get it. He never will.

My mom handed him $1375 in medical bills (his half) that he's to pay me. No mention will be made to him but if he professes change, money should be forthcoming at some point. She said his neck was red and looked and he admitted to digging ditches. Mom also has the name of the company he may end up working for at about $15 an hour.

DS' dad came over and I allowed them (both kids) to go to the park. He brought them home right at sunset - the vist went well! Nothing really else to report!

DD saw her dad / DS' Dad to leave Rehab Soon

DD's dad finally called back and a visit was arranged whereby my mom was the supervisor. It went well but the day or so after the visit, he called to tell me how it went. Apparently DD asked him why we weren't still together. He said to me "I didn't want to put this on either of us, so I told her we weren't getting along".

He's an ass - not putting this on me fucker. Let's look back - I was living in a crack house because he wouldn't work and it was all I could afford. He would get drunk and spend money and never come home and left me to deal with having an infant. He didn't do shit around the house so not only was all the earnings up to me, as was all the housework and 95% of the baby care. Yeah, whatever!

Needless to say, I didn't say anything to him - he's not worth the air or the energy of trying to explain!

But as for the visit - they hung out, he listened to her play Piano and watched her on the wave board and they took a walk!

As for DS' dad - he called over the weekend to say he'd be out of Rehab this week. I guess its because of insurance reasons!

DD's Dad hasn't called back!

DD’s dad called on Tuesday asking for a visit and I told him I’d call him the following day, which I did. I told him to call my mom that he could visit that day (yesterday / March 7^th) or probably Friday and if that didn’t work, I’d arrange something on the weekend. NO CALL! Nothing….nada!

One goes to Rehab and one gets out of jail

DS' dad returned to a 30 day treatment program on Monday - no Child support for what 6-8 weeks ahead. Nice.

DD's dad called to say he's out of jail - living at the girlfriends house - the LOW INCOME house and so help me god if he gets any income and doesn't pay a dime for his daughter, the vindictive side will call the authorities to alert them of his income.

He claims he's changed - that he tooks some classes in jail and that he now understands how important he is to his daughter. 10 years later and you're just realizing this? Said something about me withholding her and I said "you kept you from her! YOU did that - not me!" and he backpeddled and said he's not blaming me and he can't change the past (point taken) and that he can only affect the future (point taken!) He said "my plate is full - and she's most of my plate I'm working on! I don't want to fight with you or argue with you. I love you like a friend and always will. I want to thank you for all you've done for her. You've taken on all the responsibility and sacrificed alot to make my life easier!"

I just said "uhh huh" and "okay" alot.

We finished the call with him giving me the girlfriends home # again - I always delete it when he moves out! And he asked that we call later. I'll offer DD to call and if not, he can call. I'm not going out of my way. We have a recital tonight and as for the calls to her dad - that's her call.