DS' dad called and we spoke

He said he doesnt' think they will strike him a life sentance and that county is more probably. I guess the probation department is trying to get him into drug court where that judge will most likely order a long term incustody treatment program.

I told him to call tonight to talk to our son. I just really listened!

Oh, he was tazered - and pissed his pants! ROFL

Possible Three Strikes!

DS' dad may be facing three strikes. He sent a letter and it was different than all the rest. I could hear the angst in his writing and the utter sorrow he has for his continued stupidity. He is scared and rightfully so. We live in a three strikes state. A state that has sent men away for 25 years to life for minor 3rd strike infractions if you will.

What DS' dad was doing is unclear. What I do know is he was loaded, ran from the cops, there may have been a hit and run of a parked car, possible indescent exposure and evasion...that is his felony because he has a prior.

The three strikes committee is reviewing this now and he returns to court on 5/7 to find out his fate.

I put $50 on my phone and sent him $50. His brother gave me his last check which was over $400 so its the least I could do. I didn't even have to do that but w/ a possible strikes case, I felt compelled to show some compassion for the father of my son.

I sent him a few books based on the Law of Attraction and a letter telling him what I think about him and how I feel about this. I also wrote a letter to his attorney. I mentioned Delancy Street, our history, his paying me over $6000 in support and his dad's long emotional history filled with such loss. I don't know if it will do any good and honestly, he's where he needs to be. They may be saving someones life by having him incarcerated. Surely at some point his "luck" will run out and he will do something foolish that could very well hurt forever, innocent people.

I had to explain to DS lastnight what is happening because he asked when he could see his dad. His eyes welled up. My son is the sweetest little boy and doesn't understand what has happened. I'm concerned about his young psyche and how a "life sentance" would affect him.

I have to have faith - I DO HAVE FAITH and I'm going to be all my children need for me to be. I just hope that I make the right decisions moving forward and that my past mistakes don't cause my children to have difficult lives. I love them soo much!!!

The difference three years makes

Today, is the three year anniversary of the date my children were rescued from me and taht date that marks the end of the the way my life once was.

I'm by no means perfect, but I'm trying.

3 years ago, I was living in a deep and very dark depression that was rot with addiction, a messy home and pure, unadulterated misery. I wanted to die. But I didn't have the courage or the will to actually put my feelings and thoughts into actions. In January of 2004, I reached out for help and I was met with unpleasing comments from my family and rather than "prove them wrong" I let their comments hinder my recovery and on the evening of April 3, 2004 at just after 6pm, I got a knock at the door and my life was transformed.

I'm actually quite shocked how much I still post to this blog. I thought once the case closed, this blog would just kind of disappear but its been a great place for me to come and share the daily going's as it relates to my children.

When I created the blog title, Surviving CPS, I wanted to believe I could Survive the system. And I have. I really have. My life today tells me that I am definately a survivor.

Today, I make over $35k more a year and this year I may hit 6 figures. I'm one of the top revenue producers in my company for the level of accounts that I service. I met and fell lin love with one of the sweetest men on the planet and he loves me and my children. My relationship with my mom has never been better. I can tell her nearly anything and the tension isn't a daily tension - but something that we experience from time to time. I'm comfortable being home and during the time I was single, I wasn't out seeking physical love from a man. I've been able to stop relying on other people and I look to myself and my immediate family for things. I no longer try to fix things for other people. I listen, I give advice if asked, and then I let it go.

I am far from perfect. I'd like to be 100% clean and sober but I'm not. I've been drinking, not alot, but drinking nonetheless. I am not, however, living in an active addiction and I do not use my drug(s) of choice. I want to be a better, more patient mom and a better house keeper but things are orderly.

I'm just really at peace with things. I struggle with the kids' dad's but that may never change. This experience that started 3 years ago was MY EXPERIENCE...no one elses. I can't expect them to learn what I learned from this. I own this. And I'm proud today. So very very proud.

I got another one of those phone calls......

The one that goes like this "(your ex) is in jail!"

That's right - DS' dad is in jail again. His charges are long - evading arrest, resisting arrest, indescent exposure, hit and run, under the influence and the probation hold. I laugh, he's been held on more probation holds than I have fingers on my hand and no state time.

What can I say. I want to write him and rip into him but what good will that do. I want to file court papers taking away the little visitation he already gets, but what good will that do. I want to change my number, move, change my address, hurt him like he's hurt my son...and my son doesn't even know yet....but again, what good will that do?

I have alot of feelings but none are but none are bubbling to the surface.

DD's dad visits!

DD's dad calls Saturday morning at 9am to make arrangements to see her. He says he will be there between 10:30am and 11am. He arrived around 11:15. They walked to get a Jamba Juice, she bought (quit laughing!) and then came back to the apartment and went to the pool where the kids swam.

DS' aunt showed up so we all sat by the pool. It was okay.

He didn't stay long - maybe 1.5 hours total.

I informed him she's gone for easter (both weekends, this weekend and next) and told him to call me if he wanted to make arrangements to see her before this weekend.