Mediation Update

He arrived 10 minutes late and I was 20 minutes early. Typical.

We went into the office of the supervisor and there was another Mediator in training. Both were nice ladies. I went first - asking about the history as I saw it. I just told them that "he never exercises the freely given visitation and he sees our daughter less than 5 overnights a year. Its my experience that he only shows interest in our daughter when he's in a relationship. The relationship he is in has a on again/off again history and I don't believe it is stable. I have had to lie to my daughter to cover questions like "how come my dad never wants to see me" telling her he is at work. I no longer do this because she's old enough to know the gentle truth and I don't want to lie to her anymore."

Then it was his turn - he believes that the reason he doesn't see his daughter is because my mom travels with her alot. He says "she's even gone this week!" Which is true. He didn't have much more to say than that - basically, its my fault he doesn't see her more. He said he calls and she's always busy.

I then spoke again that "my mom does see my daughter alot - it is a bonded relationship and my mother has cared for my daughter in the summer for 5 years. She takes her on vacation, things I cannot afford to do. They go on camping trips, hawaii and these vacations are planned well in advance and I've always been open to ensuring he gets his visitation - the problem is he never calls!"

Then came the question - "what do you want" and she started with him. He asked for 2 days a week and a month in the summer. I had to restrain myself from chocking and laughing and then she turned to me and said "can you agree to that" and I flat-out said "No! He already has liberal visitation and could have exercised every other weekend but he never does. I don't feel that his relationship is stable and I have concerns that if they were to fight, he'd have to move" ......then I turned to him and asked him "Are you even on the lease?" To which he said he is not! Then I went on about the sleeping arrangements, wanted to ensure she had a proper place but moreover, before I farm her out to him again, I want to be sure he will be consistent because he never has been.

All totally reasonable.

It basically went okay - I told her that I will not agree to overnight visits. I would agree to every other weekend - one day from 9am to 9pm and 1 day a week for a dinner date - 6pm to 9pm and if he can maintain consistency for a period of time, I would then be willing to have her stay overnight.

Most of his visitation is around his girlfriend and the mediator clearly saw that. I told her that I don't care if the girlfriend is there or not - regardless, he needs to be consistent and not around his girlfriends schedule. He doesn't have a car and I told him that we have a bus stop that stops right outside my apartment complex and he could do that - I'd even be willing to pick her up if its dark so she doesnt' have to ride on a bus. He needs to "go to any lengths" and be consistent.

We discussed visitation this weekend and my daughter gets back on Saturday and Sunday was an option. I told him he could have her sunday but she has a birthday party she wants to go to and the mediator turned and said "You can have her, but these are important events the children should be allowed to attend" He said he'd try to figure it out - then she asked who would buy the gift. I had to hold back laughter and I said "I dont' expect him to buy gifts - he isn't even paying the full amount of child support so I will buy the gift!"

Because I didn't have the summer schedule, we were called back to mediation on Monday to iron out the remainder of the schedule. She also put in a clause that if he doesn't confirm the visit for saturday by 8pm on Thursday, it cancels so this is hopefully a provision we can put on the order. Its really what I need....

anyways, that's the update!

Court was the 18th

We were the first people called – Before the hearing the DA came over and asked us if we went to mediation. I told her that we didn’t because he waited to long to go to orientation and our mediation is scheduled for next week. Apparently, we were also having an “employment review” hearing for child support. They asked him what his employment efforts were and he didn’t know he had to keep records of the efforts so the judge notified him what he must do. He asked him why he’s been out of custody 4 months and no job. He said “I am trying to go back to school so I can join a union”. I didn’t know this but he doesn’t have his GED – I swear, he told me years and years ago he had his GED. At anyrate, the judge said “why can’t you just do construction?” I had to hold back from laughing because it just sounded like he was saying “any idiot can swing a hammer!!”

Anyways, he asked the judge for overnight visitation, his voice cracked and he said “I really want to have her overnight. She asks to stay and its hard to tell her no because I want her to stay too!”

Then the judge looked at me and asked me how I felt about that and I just said “I believe this is why we were ordered to mediation – to attempt to come to these agreements!”

The judge asked me when mediation was and I said “June 25th” and then he looked back at him and shrugged and said “Guess you have to go to mediation then if you want overnights!”

Then we held the matter over to October. The ex says “why do I have to wait four more months – that doesn’t seem fair”

The judge said “well, since you don’t have a lawyer, let me explain to you how this works. If you can’t come to agreements then you are ordered to mediation. If you agree in mediation next week, you can start having visitation overnight. If you can’t agree there, you go to ( I think he said ) investigative process and if thru that you still don’t have an agreement, then we move to have a trial and at the trial if you still don’t agree, then I make the decision. That process takes 6-8 months. Either way, you still have to go to mediation”

That was it – we walked out and I went to sit down. He comes over and says “Why are you making this so difficult”

I said “Don’t blame me, you chose to wait till 3 weeks before court to do your orientation and I’m not discussing this with you here”

He reply’s “Well, that’s still no reason for you to be difficult – I just want to see her and your making it so I can’t”

I just said again “Don’t blame me because your lazy ass can’t get up out of bed and do the right things.”

I then got up and went to the hallway where he gets up to see where I was going. I browsed brochures then saw him looking at me so I left to make a call. I realized no orders were signed and that there really was no paperwork for me to get so I just left – I probably could have stayed to get the next court date info, but that’s available online so I just came back to work.

He’s an ass. I swear to god!

So in mediation- I’m asking him to prove a few things – that he has a valid license because child support told me it was taken away last December. So I want proof he has one. I also want him to provide the court a lease agreement showing he lives with his girlfriend – he wont’ be able to do this….see she’s low income and with him living there, she wouldn’t qualify and if he’s not living there legally, she’s not spending the night. No way in hell. His past history is he sees our daughter when it suits him and that’s always when he’s in a relationship. He’s been on and off again with this woman for 5 to 6 years. If they weren’t together, he wouldn’t be asking to see her unless he was going on a date – yes, my daughter has been a Date Trophy – Look at what a great dad I am….date doesn’t work out, she goes months w/out visitation from her dad.

Sad but true!

Anyways, Mediation is Monday. Can’t wait to see his jaw hit the table when I ask for all this documentation ROFL

I called re: Father's Day

Not wanting him to use Father's Day against me, I called DD's dad lastnight to ask him his plans on Father's Day.

His response....."when is father's day!"

My audible disgust was met with "What is your problem?"

I told him that he needed to let me know his plans if he planned on seeing her and to plan ahead, not call the day before because we are trying to make plans that day. He asks "well, its not like she has another dad...does she?!?!" And I didn't answer. I just told him that I need to know because in the past, he waits till the last minute to schedule anything and I'm threw accomodating him if he can't plan ahead. I told him next week in court we need to leave w/ a schedule so that he knows exactly the schedule to avoid this crap.

He doesnt' plan ahead and he's not thoughtful.

DD indicated the other day he gambles on the computer - he had a problem w/ this! Something to note. I also think I figured out why his girlfried thought his mom wasn't moving - she didn't want to say goodbye and put her other son up to telling dd's dad that she wasn't moving - well, she drives off today!!!

He doesn't know when court is..../ his mom moves...

DD's dad asked me when court was an I refused to tell him. He thinks I want him to look bad to the judge by now showing up. He's clueless - this is about responsibility. I know when the hearing is...he was in the same courtroom I was when it was put on calendar. Its not my job to fill him in on things he should just know.

Lastnight DD and I went to see grandma off - she'smoving to another state. She's a mess. She indicated she only just got over to her dad's house who died in April to clean out the food - nasty.

I was cordial but she's gone and now I'll have to deal with ocassional calls to have DD fly down there - isn't happening!

"What are you doing this weekend?"

This is a question DD's dad asks her which is a loaded question and is starting to piss me off. If his loaded question entails a question to visit, that needs to be directed at me, not her.

When she said she was staying at my mom's for the night and going to a carnival - he starts asksing where and when as if to repeat Halloween. The fucking stalker - infact my daughter said "that sounds like he's stalking us" to my mother.

She told him to "call mom" and his answer was "why are you so grouchy with me!" DUH, she knows you're suppose to CALL MOM you stupid mother fucker!

DD visits dad

DD visits dad - they went to a local amusement park. He arranged the visit weeks ago, called 2 days before and had her home at a reasonable time.

On the way home, DD asked where she was spending the night and I blew a gasket - come to find out he didn't put her up to it and she has strict instructions not to ask that kind of thing when she's with him. I got the impression he told her to call or supported her asking but he knew nothing about it!

No worries and we go back to court in 2 weeks.